The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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