I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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