Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
