I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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