The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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