Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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