I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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