My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
