stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
