Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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