My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
