mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
