the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is my gift to your gina
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
