Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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