I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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