Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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