your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
