I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
