3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
never play flip cup with pint glasses
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
