ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
