Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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