You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
