forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
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This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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