you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
