you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is my gift to your gina
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
