i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
