U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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