My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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