I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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