I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
