boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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