if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
