I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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