I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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