If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
