That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
