my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
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I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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