bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
