well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
