she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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