dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Couch. On fire.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
