is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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