I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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