they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
