it was like his penis was on wheels.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
