How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
