his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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