I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
