I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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