I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
