I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You pole danced in your parka.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
