so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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