You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
