I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
