I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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