So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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