How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.